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McKesson Clinical Reference Systems: Women's Health Advisor 2002.2
Touching in Renewing Sexuality
Most of us are comfortable with touching and being touched.
As infants we were cuddled and nursed. During our childhood
and adolescence we learned that there was a time and a place
to demonstrate affection.
Touching and being touched involve permission. We give
permission to who will touch us, what kind of touching it is
to be, and where we want to be touched. Sometimes a
person's sexual and sensual advances are disagreeable in
manner and frequency to the partner. The partner may
respond by trying to avoid physical contact and not give
permission to being touched. This avoidance and denial
between couples may last for years.
Sexual Abuse, Alcoholism, and Wife Abuse
Some adults who were abused as children may need help to
overcome fear of being touched and of touching. Probing
this anxiety-producing area requires professional skills to
ensure the protection of the person.
Counselors now ask about childhood experiences of people who
complain of severe anxiety when their breasts or genitals
are touched. Confidential personal histories that will not
be shared with the partner without permission are essential
in working through these problems.
People don't start fearing touching without a reason. Many
people have traumatic experiences locked in their
subconscious minds, the distressing impact of which is
expressed when they least expect it. The full effect of
incest or sexual abuse may not appear until a crisis related
to the person's sexuality brings it to light.
Adult abusive behavior is seen in relationships plagued by
alcoholism and wife beating. The abused partner may not
want to be touched by the other, although she may tolerate
abuse and degradation for years before speaking out because
she has invested so much of her life in the marriage. The
irony is that the abuser may be the one who complains that
there is not enough touching in the relationship.
Breaking Through: Attitude and Behavior Change
We need to explore the basis on which we have made decisions
in our lives regarding touching and being touched. Was it
warnings by parents, teachers, or other significant adults
about teen pregnancy and sexually transmitted diseases?
Were we influenced by religious teachings that determined
what was acceptable sexual and moral behavior?
Sex can be powerful. Partners need to communicate their
needs and desires to each other. Conflict arises when we
attempt to impose our assumptions and preferences on others.
One difficulty many people face is realizing that sexual
behavior unacceptable for them as teenagers may be
acceptable in committed adult relationships. As adults we
must learn that sexual communication is natural and need not
be difficult.
Techniques in Touching to Revitalize Relationships
The skin is the most overlooked and underemployed sex organ
of the human body. There are many areas of the body that
you may consider nonsexual that respond pleasurably to
stroking and caressing. To start developing comfort with
touching and being touched, a simple massage of the skin is
a good place to begin. A massage of the neck, the face, the
temples, the eyes, the back, the buttocks, the legs, and
even the feet may be pleasurable and nonthreatening. You
may want to soak your feet in a container of soapy water
while your partner massages them.
Sensual Massage
An illustrated manual or book such as "The Art of Sensual
Massage" by Gordon Inkeles and Murray Todris can be helpful
in learning to give and receive a sensual massage.
Establish ground rules, which might include the following:
- Determine who will be the first giver.
- Establish whether you and your partner will be clothed or
unclothed.
- Choose a location where you both will be comfortable,
preferably not the bed.
- Dim the lights and play soft music you both enjoy.
- Use plenty of pillows or a comforter.
- If you wish, use baby oils, scented oils, lotions, or
powder.
- Tell the giver what feels good and what does not.
Sensual massage omits the genitals and breasts, which are
discussed in the sensate focus section.
Begin with facial caressing. Normally the giver sits and
the receiver lies flat on his or her back with the head
resting on the giver's thighs. With the hands well
lubricated, the giver begins with the chin, then strokes the
cheeks, forehead, and temples. Caress the face as if you
were a blind person seeking a mental picture of your
partner. Then explore the ear lobes, lips, and the nose
before returning to massage the temples for complete
relaxation. Rest, talk about the experience, and reverse
roles.
Massage the remainder of the body tenderly and be attentive
to your feelings. Then reverse roles.
Goals of the touching exercise include:
- to show dedication to enrichment of the relationship
- to express in new ways needs and desires
- to find out how each likes to touch and be touched
- to explore new patterns of pleasuring that do not always
have to be sexual
- to help the relationship grow
- to reduce the fear of physical changes of aging.
Sensate Focus Exercises
Sensate focus exercises were introduced by researchers
Masters and Johnson to treat couples with sexual problems.
The exercises offer an approach to sexual enrichment. They
are helpful to couples seeking exercises designed to correct
nonphysical erectile problems and to enhance orgasmic
response.
The exercises are divided into four progressive stages.
Master each stage before moving to the next. Repeat all
previous stages each time. The pace depends on your
progress and comfort.
Helpful suggestions:
- The toucher learns from the one being touched. The one
being touched takes the partner's hand and thus controls
the degree of pressure as well as the pattern and length
of strokes. This is a learning experience for the giver
as well as the receiver.
- The learning hand of the toucher should not be his or her
dominant hand. A right-handed person should use the left
hand and left-handers, the right hand.
- Do the exercises when you and your partner are rested and
not pressed for time. Don't do the exercises after a
heavy meal or when you have had a disagreement.
- Do the exercises early in the morning because male
testosterone levels are higher.
- At no time is there to be any attempt to have sexual
intercourse even if it is the man's first erection in
months.
- After the session, you will want to discuss what you
think you have accomplished and share positive as well as
negative feelings with your partner.
Stages of Sensate Focus:
The partners take turns being the giver and the receiver.
Communication during the exercises is by guiding the hand of
the partner giving the massage. Limit talking until after
the exercises are completed.
- First stage: Limit touching and stroking to the areas of
the body that are not sexually stimulating.
- Second stage: Touch, stroke, and explore the sensual
responses of the entire body, including the breasts and
genitals without intent to bring about erection or
vaginal lubrication. At this stage some talk may be
helpful.
- Third stage: Repeat the first two stages. Stroke the
penis and clitoris and probe the vaginal opening with the
finger. Note erectile and lubricative responses.
- Fourth stage: Repeat the first three stages. Caress and
stimulate breasts and genitals. Use a lubricant,
especially for the clitoris, the outer lips, and the
vaginal opening of the pre- and postmenopausal woman as
well as for her partner with less than full erectile
response. When the man's erection is firm enough to
attempt penetration, the couple will want to insert the
penis and feel it in the vagina.
If the female feels her partner is losing his erection,
she can initiate pelvic movements until it returns.
Containment can produce anxiety for some men. However,
there is no demand for either partner to perform. The
exercise is never over as long as the couple feels
comfortable with each other and are enjoying and savoring
the good feelings.
The use of baby oil or body lotion is recommended for stages
one and two of the sensate focus exercises. A sexual
lubricant is helpful during stages three and four when the
genitals are touched. Lubricants include Astroglide, K-Y
jelly, and suppositories. Vaseline should not be used as a
vaginal lubricant.
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